


The Perfect Weapon (Or How to Reduce a Macho Seal to a Pile of Miserable Goo)

by NevarDevereaux



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Bickering, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Snark, character illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 05:06:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NevarDevereaux/pseuds/NevarDevereaux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's stealthier then a ninja. It's hard-hitting. It so slowly, yet thoroughly disarms an opponent, by the time the opponent is aware, it is much too late to fight back. Just ask a Super Seal!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Perfect Weapon (Or How to Reduce a Macho Seal to a Pile of Miserable Goo)

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on [Tumblr](http://seekingthecrazy.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Title: The Perfect Weapon (Or How to Reduce a Macho Seal to a Pile of Miserable Goo)  
> Fandom: Hawaii Five-0  
> Pairing: Steve/Danny  
> Word Count: 2447  
> Rating: FRM  
> Summary: It's stealthier then a ninja. It's hard-hitting. It so slowly, yet thoroughly disarms an opponent, by the time the opponent is aware, it is much too late to fight back. Just ask a Super Seal!
> 
> This fic was inspired by being taken down by a microscopic opponent. The flu is an evil, heartless, sadistic BITCH!
> 
> Originally posted January 21, 2011

Title: The Perfect Weapon (Or How to Reduce a Macho Seal to a Pile of Miserable Goo)  
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0  
Pairing: Steve/Danny  
Word Count: 2447  
Rating: FRM  
Summary: It's stealthier then a ninja. It's hard-hitting. It so slowly, yet thoroughly disarms an opponent, by the time the opponent is aware, it is much too late to fight back. Just ask a Super Seal!

This fic was inspired by being taken down by a microscopic opponent. The flu is an evil, heartless, sadistic BITCH!

****************************************************************************

Danny approached the house with caution, noting Steve's truck was parked in its usual spot and nothing seemed amiss. Of course, Detective Danny Williams had thought Steve McGarrett was a normal human being, aside from being a stubborn control freak, in their first meeting.

Steve had changed Danny's views on quite a few things.

When he reached the house, he found the door locked. Extracting his key, Danny made quick work of the lock, then opened the door quietly. His gun was at the ready as he stepped into the home, surveying his surroundings.

Everything was in order. Actually everything was in perfect order, the kind only achieved by an OCD neat freak. Danny quickly, yet thoroughly, checked the living room, kitchen, and dining room before eyeing the hall that led to Steve's bedroom. It was then that he heard his partner groan pitifully.

Danny threw caution to the wind and, wincing internally at the realization, barreled ahead into possible danger like his partner. Seeing Steve rolling on the bed in pain almost distracted him from checking for the attacker. Scanning the room as he moved toward the en suite bathroom, Danny said a quick prayer for no more bullet holes or knife tears in his meatsuit.

It took seconds to determine there was no crazed thug lurking in the house, holster his gun, then move to Steve's bedside to begin the arduous task of checking Steve's injuries. Danny quickly ran his hands over Steve's fevered skin, fearing infection had already set in from whatever injury Mr."It's Just a Scratch, Danno" had ignored to the point of it turning flaming red and oozing. If Steve didn't die from this, Danny was going to kill him.

"Steve, you gotta tell me where you're hurt, man. I'm calling for help now!"

Steve's arm shot out, his hand wrapping around Danny's wrist. "No.."

"No. No? Look, you psychotic, self-sacrificing jackass, if you have a death wish, it is your Constitutional right to throw yourself into dangerous situations until you find one which allows you to complete your mission. What you do not have the right to do is demand everyone around you assist you in your suicidal pursuits!"

"Not...dying..."

Danny stood up to full height and threw his hands in the air, already in full rant mode. "Really, Steven? No one has heard from you since Friday. We all called you repeatedly from that ass crack of dawn meeting you insisted the team should have every Monday, but could not find the energy to drag your ass to. I break every traffic law in this state getting here while Kono and Chin are plotting World War three if necessary to get you out of whatever bullshit you've waded into. You have all of us scared out of fucking minds and you think this is the time to be Superman with communication issues? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Steve groaned, more from the voice of his partner than the various aches and pains his body was torturing him with.

"If you think I am letting your sorry ass die on my watch, you're sadly delusional. Either you convince me this is not something that requires a hospital and all its highly trained employees or I will personally throw your big ass over my shoulder and carry you there. If you piss me off, I will grab your feet and drag you. You will feel every rock between here and there! Try me."

"Dannnooooo..."

"Are you...did you? Whining? Are you on drugs? You are! Oh shit, how the hell am I going to explain an overdose to the Governor! I thought the military frowned upon drug use!"

"Not...high...sick."

"Is this some exotic virus you were exposed to on a classified mission? Wait, don't tell me. Do I need to call the military and be prepared for years of quarantine because I was stupid enough to walk into this?"

"Flu..."

Danny finally shut up.

"Yesterday...felt funny..then..."

Steve's explanation was cut short by him flinging himself to the side of the bed and retching violently. Danny politely turned his head to the side and acted as if he did not notice the stench. When Steve did not make any move to repeat the performance, Danny finally spoke.

"I'll call Chin and Kono, let them know Superbad was taken down by a tiny organism. Then, I will clean this up. After," Danny fanned the air in front of his face,"we douse you in cologne or hose you down."

Steve didn't reply.

Danny moved to the other side of the bed to find Steve passed out.

"Bastard. Figures you'd leave me to clean up your mess!"

*************************

Steve awoke to late afternoon sunniness, which made him even angrier. The world sucked and had no right to be beautiful when he was in hell.

"Good afternoon, Ralph."

Steve opened his eyes and saw Danny leaning against the door frame smirking.

"I'm dead. This is hell. You're the devil."

"You have the flu. This is a pineapple infested hell-hole. I am your savior."

"Just shoot me."

"When I decide you have finally crossed the line to justify my shooting you, I want you to be perfectly healthy so you feel the full impact. Until then, call me Nurse Ratched, take your meds, drink that ginger ale, and shut the fuck up."

"I...hate...you."

"I've noticed." Danny guffawed and walked away. In that moment, Steve felt as if he had been deserted. When Danny reappeared with a tray containing soup, crackers, and several bottles of medication, Steve found himself smiling despite his suffering. He managed to sit up so Danny could place the tray across his lap.

"You look like a goofy rabbit, McGarrett."

"Where'd you get the prescriptions?" Steve asked suspiciously.

"There was this guy I busted a few weeks after I got here. He can get anything. Keep him on speed dial."

When Steve choked, Danny couldn't hold back his laughter.

"Asshole," Steve mumbled contrarily.

"The Doc, moron. When I called the rest of the team and told them you were sick, they called him. Since he has memorized our charts from reading them each several times per week, he gave you a whole pharmacy, and put us on some meds to lessen the flu if we get it. We've been exposed, thanks to you. Since you were incapacitated, and I am second in command, I gave myself, Kono, and Chin the week off so I could take care of you and they can rest. Just in case."

"Take care of me?"

Danny rolled his eyes then sat down carefully on the bed next to Steve. "No, you moron. I found you in here refinishing your floors with stomach acid and bile, baking at 103 degrees, and shivering like you were in Antarctica. The only sane thing to do was go back home and leave you here to die in your mess."

Steve was warily placing a spoonful of soup in his mouth. He swallowed, then waited as if he expected it to come flying right back out. When it did not, a bit of tension eased from his body.

"Thanks, Danno."

"You're welcome."

Steve rewarded Danny with a full on beam, which quickly turned into Aneurysm Face.

"Oh for...I help you and you look at me like that?"

Steve shook his head. "You're not wearing a tie?"

"Seriously? Have you been deprived of social interaction so long, you have no idea when a tie is improper?"

"Jeans?"

"Yes, Steven. I own jeans. T-shirts, too. I, unlike you, you overgrown high school jock, understand these clothes are not suited for a professional environment, but are perfectly acceptable to wear when dealing with the infirm."

"Infirm?"

"They don't have dictionaries on this island?"

"Shut up."

Steve ate slowly, but managed to finish the meager meal. He found himself tired from the normally simple task.

"You good?" Danny questioned.

"Yea. Thanks."

Danny stood and removed the tray carefully. "When you ready to stop smelling like a sewer rat, let me know. I'll help you shower."

Steve, smirking smugly, replied,"You just want to see me naked."

Danny was already headed out the door, but Steve was sure he heard a reply. "Not like this."

*****************************************************

Forty-eight hours of avoiding Danny's demand to "wash the funk off", sleeping, and being a general pain in the ass when he was awake, Steve awoke to less pain, more air, and feeling closer to normal. He even managed to take a long, hot shower, crinkling his nose at the clothes which were giving off biohazardous scents.

He padded into the living room to find Danny sacked out on the couch watching ESPN.

"Hey, Danno."

Danny turned two red eyes to him and croaked,"When this is over, you are dead BITCH!"

"Oh shit."

********************************************************

It took eleven days for the flu to run through five-0.

Chin and Kono were at the grandmother's house. One of the three thousand family members had snitched them both out and they had found themselves being carted off the Kelly/Kalakaua hospital. The food was good, the company could be, when they were't sniping at each other, and the rest of the family either enjoyed the show or threatened them into behaving.

Steve found out a sick Danny was a quiet Danny. He took his medication without putting up a fight, communicated with grunts and middle-finger only sign language, and was generally more concerned he was a burden on others than about his health. He had made Steve call several times daily to Rachel to check on Grace and monitor her condition. Rachel was pleasant, even sympathetic, assuring Steve Grace was perfectly fine and suggesting teas to alleviate some of Danny's symptoms. She even assured Steve they would work out a schedule to make up for Danny's missed time with Grace.

When Danny finally removed himself from Steve's bed,"It's more comfortable than the couch, Danny and it's not like I can catch this!", Steve grilled fish and paired it with a vegetable heavy soup.

Danny sneered and asked for pizza.

"Pizza! That is why yours lasted longer than mine!"

"Funny, that's exactly what your girlfriend said."

"What are you? Nine?"

"She said that, too."

"You know what," Steve took off his apron,'Mr. Macho Seal has a flowered fucking apron,' Danny thought with amusement, which was promptly thrown at Danny's head,"go fuck yourself! You tell everyone within earshot about how this island is hell and you are alone here, but I have taken care of you for the better part of a week. As soon as I thought you were well enough to keep solid food down, I called and got this recipe from Grandma Kelly because Chin and Kono swear by it and you fucking ask for PIZZA! I was grateful when you did this for me. And I know that wasn't canned soup! I remember smelling it when I was in and out of consciousness and it made me feel better knowing you gave a damn. Why can't you do the same for me?"

"I..."

"No, you don't get to talk this time! I DO! I could have gone back to work. Hell, Kono was ready to come back after two days and Chin, three, but she said he was just enjoying the food and family too much to leave and wasn't as sick as he was making it seem. I could have gone back to work and left your rude ass right here to cough and sneeze in misery, ALONE, but nooooo...I put everyone on stand down so we could wait for you. I've cut my runs so I won't be too far away if you need me. I haven't been swimming in over a week, because my phone isn't waterproof and I might miss your call. I wrapped around you when the shivering got so bad, all the blankets didn't help, and you sweat a lot on a normal day. I was soaked! "

Danny zoned out. He didn't mean to, it was something he had learned to do with...

Rachel.

What the fuck?

Danny tuned in and listened to Steve bitch. "...I know you'd rather be back in Jersey. You tell me that twenty times a day, but can you even try to find something here that isn't bad. Yea, this is my home, but I came back because my family was gone. The team offered to adopt me and I accepted, but can you do that? No! Kono loves Grace. She's like the little sister she never had. She takes her shopping and doing that nail stuff chicks do and Chin! Chin took her to that place with the mini bikes and is teaching her to ride. He enjoys it as much as Grace does. I throw cookouts, take you to all the places the tourists don't know about..."

"Oh my God! He's counting reasons on his FINGERS!" Danny was mortified.

"...and do everything I can to make Grace happier here because if she's happy, then you're happy and for some fucked up reason I care if you're happy or not. I'd take a bullet for you! I'd take one for Kono, Chin, Gracie. You're my fucking family, even if you are campaigning for emancipation you self-absorbed sonovubitch, but just because you're an asshole doesn't mean I have to be one! So you are going to eat everything on the plate, I don't care if you fucking choke, and pretend to like it. If you mention pizza again, I will show you torture techniques Gitmo would have paid me to teach them. Are we clear?"

"Yes," Danny squeaked.

"Good." Steve sat down calmly. "The sauce is mango."

"This motherfucker has lost his mind." Danny was wondering if he would be quick enough to get his keys, get to the car, and leave Maniac Seal in his dust. He guessed no.

Danny ate in silence for several minutes, afraid for his vital organs if he managed to pull the pin on the McGarrett grenade. Figuring eventually he would have to risk it, he decided death was better sooner than later.

"I'm sorry."

"S'okay."

"I...look...it's been...fuck it!"

Danny stood and marched to stand beside Steve. When Steve looked at him with an expression clearly stating "There had better be a good reason you are in my space or die you will!" Danny tempted the Grim Reaper.

He pressed his lips to Steve's and poured apology, yearning, adoration, more apology, and anything else he could muster into it. When two strong arms encircled his waist and pulled him down onto an excited lap, Danny was pleasantly surprised.

When they finally broke apart, Steve grinned. "Was that so hard?"


End file.
